Monkeys are so fucked

The Lunar New Year is coming up in a couple of weeks and with it the arrival of the Year of the Dragon. It is at this time that plenty of fengshui masters are eager to share their forecasts of the new year.

I'm hardly a superstitious person, and would seldom pay attention to forecasts of fortunes. But something in my subconsciousness urged me to click on a weblink to a video clip of a local renown fengshui master telling the fortune of people born in the Year of the Monkey.

The forecast is pretty depressing. Monkeys are pretty fucked next lunar year.

Here is the video:



According to Master Hui, Monkeys will meet with many obstacles in their career that could potentially lead to court cases. To minimise pain at work, he recommends more tact be practised. "Watch your words. Build up a strong foundation in all your relationships," he orders.

Monkeys will also suffer more financial problems in the coming Year of the Dragon, so thrift is a must. Businessmen will be prone to bad cashflow and poor returns on investments. He advises against lending money to others.

That's not all. Stupid Cupid will be forsaking Monkeys, so those who are single will likely remain so for the whole year, while married Monkeys will suffer friction with their spouses. As if this revelation is not pitiful enough, Master Hui rubs it in further by declaring that Monkeys will have the WORST love life, compared to the other 11 animals in the Chinese horoscope.

Boo hoo!

His advice for singles: fluff your features and work harder at your courtship dance.

His advice for married Monkeys: keep problems at work away from home and avoid any sort of conflicts.

So far so bad. Rocky career, weak financial health and the opposite sex despises you. What could make life worse?

Well, how about more bad luck that could cause you injury and further deplete you of your finances?

Master Hui predicts that many accidents will befall Monkeys in the coming year. Motorists must drive with extra caution and patience, and avoid careening down the roads like an F1 race wannabe.

"Try to avoid dangerous activities," he adds.

Unlucky months will be January, February, June and October, while crisis-prone months will be January and July. Oh great. I will be travelling most of these months. Cue visions of me having a hard time getting stories or being arrested for writing a particularly senstive matter, losing my purse and being scared shitless throughout a turbulent flight.

Oh wait. Is flying considered a dangerous activity? Should I avoid travelling this year then?! But how can I not travel in this job?!

Of course, I could poo-poo Master Hui's forecast as a load of bull. Unfortunately, his prediction for Monkeys in the current Year of the Rabbit was quite accurate.

Oh! Such woe! And since the husband is also a Monkey, it will be double trouble for us.

I had better start accummulating good karma by not laughing at ugly people, attracting good fortune by attending auspicious events (I'm going to get myself on every wedding and birthday party guest list!) and avoiding meat as much as possible.

And I had better say only sweet things to my colleagues, write only stories that are full of the silliest praises for the trade, eat plain bread daily, stay away from malls, be super nice to the husband and agree with every damn thing he says, stay far away from all sharp objects including scissors and hair pins, walk very slowly and against walls to avoid being pushed over and trampled on, and avoid cars, trains (especially Singapore's world-class MRT trains... ahem!), ships and planes.

Oh, and pray that the world will not come to a bitter end on Dec 21, 2012.