New guide to parenthood

"If you think childbirth is tough, wait till you try bringing up your child," a friend who has a schooling-age son told me after hearing my repeated whinings about the unavoidable weight gain and stretchmarks during pregnancy.

Hokay. So parenting is tough. But surely life would be a lot easier if would-be parents knew the rules of engagement right from the start, yes?

So, based on my experience in raising my two younger brothers, I've created this five-pointer guide to new-age parenting.

First and foremost, both father and mother must agree on the chosen disciplinary action to avoid confusing the child. So if mummy intends to throw the wretched, screeching child out of the window, daddy must give her full support.

Second, parents must discourage their child's attention-seeking nature. So if the child screams for attention when he ought to be sleeping, mummy and daddy must put him in a corner room, turn off the lights, lock the door and proceed to the living room where they will put on some loud music - I recommend any song by Rage Against The Machine - and have some beer.

Third, parents must encourage their child to learn new things and make new friends. That's why school is so important, although some children may fail to understand that. So if the child thrashs, screams and weeps in the morning, refusing to put on his/her uniform, parents must stand firm. A hard whack on the head would help. When the child is unconscious, bundle him/her inside a rice sack and drop him/her off at the doorstep of the school. The teacher will take over from there.

Fourth, parents must remember that forbidden fruits taste the sweetest, so they must give their children free rein to fruits of all kinds. Your child might pick up smoking when he/she reaches teenage years. So lock him/her in a smoking room, preferably one of those stuffy cubicles in an airport, and let him/her decide if smoking is what he/she would like to pick up. Your child might also be into extreme tattoos and body piercings one day. Just in case they sneak around and end up getting a job done in a filthy, unlicensed parlour, parents must be quick and take them to a proper tattoo/piercing shop even before the child asks for it.

Five, teach independence right from the start. Instead of letting the child watch kiddy shows such as Sesame Street and Blue's Clues, put educational and inspiring programmes such as Junior MasterChef on TV. That way, the child would believe that every one his/her age must know how to cook. And he/she can help to prepare (quality) dinner for the parents after homework is done.

Six, don't agree to buy anything the child asks for. Parents must teach the value of money and the importance of earning one's keep. Send the child to a sweatshop and let him/her earn enough money to buy what he/she wants. If there isn't a sweatshop in your country, use your child as a domestic helper and pay him/her 50-cents per hour.

I think my future children would be so blessed to have me as a parent.